Dreams, you know we lived in this place till I was sixteen. My Grandpa lived there since partition and all my father's side was virtually born there. I still sometimes have these dreams where I go to that place and everything has changed around but that home of ours is still intact and I see my Father's Hero Honda kept outside our place my Grandpa sitting and dozing in the mild warmth of an approaching evening, my Grandma up on the roof watering the tulsi, my Sis a dressed up three year old walking holding my mother’s hand and my Dad standing on the doorway hands folded on his chest a picture of strength and reliability as ever.
This dream in particular has no Freudian explanations but somehow this is one image, one dream that gives me hope, something to carry on. And years after when I am old and worn out and erasing I want to still see that dream so that I can believe that when it all ends I shall still be a living dream in someone’s memory.
Some of you might say that am holding on to something that has already been emptied and shall never be. But for me it is an unadulterated image of all the love, warmth and care that is irreplaceable.
I have almost never had a nuclear family and even now when all my Dad's siblings have a separate home we almost all live together. So, the way I am today is a reflection of all those people in my life. And hence I have these collective dreams. I have never been the blue eyed boy. I have always had someone else to emulate someone to be like and truth is I never could.
I never could be the first in class or the first in a hundred meter sprint and all those things and I have envied those people who did. People who had things to show for in their success charts. But I still have been loved by them all without questions but sometimes just sometimes you want to give back and so you dream.
I have been liked and mostly I have always been considered good but these things were never quantitative and we cannot state success in qualitative parameters. So, what I want is to run for my goals perhaps be amazingly good at something, I want to be the stand alone in crowd as after all what you want is to be loved and respected and wanted. I want people around me to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself.
But I know again that such happiness’s are sadly momentary and as soon as you get something the world shall make you run and want to achieve the next thing because as far as society is concerned perhaps you are never good enough.
And hence as much as I would want to be in the race I would like to be detached of it all and know that I am living in the now and the now contains no success, no failure, and no rejections nothing except me and this state of mind. I am ambitious but I want to condition myself to be receptive and reflective and yet happy within me.
What I have learned is that the saddest thing that can happen to you is to see your folks cry for something that has happened to you and the happiest thing is to see a reflection of happiness in their eyes after you've done something, something as small as making a cup of tea for them.
What I have learned is that success, failure, losses and wins are all a matter of perception. That the guy who you see all successful and achieving is lacking something that you so easily have. That if there is a word called love, it has unconditional attached to it there is no love absolutely no love that shall ask of you something.
And people who do love you, they shall just love you and while I write this I think of the image of my father, mother and my sister I know I have let them down at times but what they remember now is that they love me and that I love them back.
I have learned that in the long run nothing else, no achievement shall count as much as the people for whom you want to achieve them. So, I have learned that you must know that those people are far bigger and important than any achievements. And that sometimes, sometimes you shall give the whole world just to see them smile.
I have always loved books not just reading them but sometimes just being around them looking at them. Someday I would like to own a library at my place and a fireplace too. from the love of books steams the idea of perhaps penning down one someday I do not know what and how it is going to be or even if am going to write one at all for now I’d just like to think that I would. I want to read everything under the sun what I would want to have is some knowhow of everything that has to be.
It’s strange but even as a kid I never wanted new clothes or toys.
Even now I am not a gadget freak my ideas barely qualify as luxury I want good books, good food, great thoughts and riveting conversations.
I want to grow as a human every day, every moment and yet be me.
I want to know and yet not let knowledge corrupt me.
I want to see things unseen and yet not be too proud or too vain.
I want to be deep and meaningful and yet fun to be with.
The problem has always been not being able to produce something exceptional to be something great. I have always been one of the nice guys, one of the good students, one of the better writers, one of the best friends and I always wanted to be 'The Guy' but then again when I look at it aren't all our lives lived that way don't we all see ourselves in so many strata’s and don't we all want to break off the shackles and be free.
Eventually we all realize that life is a prototype same experience that we all have. Life is mostly lived in these almirah full of emotions.
I always want to remember that this is one life that we all have been given and I am not here for long and hence act accordingly I don't want to fight, live in bitter memories, pity myself do anything like that I do not want to leave my footprints of bad moments here I want to love unconditionally those who love me.
I want to meet people and learn about their lives and vicariously live through their joys and smiles, I want to travel the whole world, I want to be unknown and experience life first hand, I want to let go of all the expectations attached to achievements and live, I want to be filled with life.
Because mind has an amazing ability to restore your happiness’s and moments spent in love rather than material possessions as the time goes by.
I want to marry the mind of my woman I want to love her thoughts and I want to find her beautiful even when am seventy as her eyes still have the same twinkle and her face the same old smile. I want to make her feel loved and beautiful just by the way I look at her or sometimes by virtue of the things I have written. I want to evolve with her I want it all to happen as naturally as season changes and still I want at times to feel special.
I want to be accepted with all my follies and I want to be comfortable in love and understand that things shall not always be smooth and one needs to work on as you go along but yes I would want a shared experience of intimacy.
I do not want to be waited at dinner for that would be unjustified. I do not want to be treated as perfect because I am not. I do not want to be loved because it is what you are meant to do. I do not want to be respected out of tradition. I want to be written a diary entry about and not be told. I want to be loved because I can never light match sticks. I want to be cared for because it is something that so happens. I want to be looked at with admiration because I make you proud.
I want to look inside me and find warm cares for people I have not yet met. I want to be responsible for my family both that there is and the one that shall be, I want to go on holidays and send picture postcard of my whole lot smiling and standing in the snow. In simplicity is where I want to find pleasures. In books. Music, family, love and Nano-moments of shared smiles.
My dream is to dream, hope love and live