Monday, March 16, 2009

Have Faith...

Have faith,that light said.
why should I?why should I?
you make me suffer,give me pain.
Happiness just pours like few drops of rain.
Oh! pain, you afraid of that,happiness you want right.
let me then bless you with infinite joy.
But how would you then differentiate.
joy,would it be that without accompanying sorrow,
What would then entice you to look for tomorrow?


Hurt makes a better you,
remember your father taught you ride a bike
he did hold it from behind
but after a while ,let you ride on your own,
sometimes you fell,you bleed you were hurt,you did moan.
But why did he do it,to make you learn to ride.did you complain for that fall.
Am I not the father of you all?

I was short of words,
swallowing the lump brought in my mouth,
what was I to say, now.
but the light then diminished,it went away.
I asked were you really him,it would not say.
I woke up,still with that lump,with a fear but not wraith.
Have faith, a voice said,have faith...

You Know...Don't You

You know Decembers,
they make me frightened even now,after all these year,
frozen,chilly winds,pass a chill down my throat,
freeze my voice,when they say,
"December,how many Decembers has it been,without her."
You know,don't you?


You know these full moon nights,
remember when we were on our roof watching the stars,
they talk to me,talk to me of times,
when days,were filled with stories & nights with talks,
they say do you still go to the roof now?
if not then with whom do you talk to,the walls or the windows,where do you hide your scars?
You know,don't you?


You know I am still afraid to walk down that road,
road we had strolled together.
fearing that I would get a hold of that tree again,
what would I answer it,when it asks,
how do you live without her?
You know,don't you?

You know rains,
I still don't look at them,
but their sound it annoys me to no ends,
I close my eyes & I can still see those droplets of water in your small palms.
those drops they came again last night through the windowpanes,
asking me, where were your palms,what was your name?
You know,don't you?

You know people,they say,do I feel alone? do I feel fragile?
they are the same,people we knew.
So,I in return tell them to look into my eyes deep
there lies your picture,I tell them
I live with your thoughts every moment I breath, every heart-beat I endure,
But yes I am alone,yes, I am fragile,yes I still miss you.
I hope you know,I hope you do....

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Brave Man- A Monologue

The choices between life & death never seemed this trivial,I remember just a few days ago telling my friend,

"It is better to die a brave death then to lead an average life."

Now when I can look into the eyes of death do I realize,the value of each passing second.No, I am not afraid of death,no.But a few seconds or hours may be days wouldn't be mind.There are many things still to be done many jobs pending.But life its a strange gift,you don't realize its worth till it whizzes past.

Ever since the morning there was firing & I could not fathom where to point my gun where to fire. I would not say I was brave Or anything but I surely was the aim of a few bullets & Some Of them succeeded.I write this as I can See the angels Of death smiling at me,I write This as I can see my whole Life Going Past Me in A flash.But I have things to talk about.

Father,the relations between a father & son are never covered with words,they are more about understanding & most Of the communication is done through the mediator,mother.Dad,I still long for those days,when as a kid you taught me To ride a bicycle,whenever The Cycle lost its balance, I always found you Holding it from behind.

Pa & now when I have lost the balance,I still want to see you coming & holding me.I miss those hugs of yours,which you gave me whenever you returned from office,As a kid That Was the most cherishable treasure you gave me.But as I grew up,The hugs became Scarce,even the words exchanged between us turned as economical as possible.

I wonder why that happens because,ever since I understood the world the only thing I ever wanted to achieve was a smile on your face,for me,my achievements & that Was the hardest to get.I always emulated you,The way I walked,I talked,even when my school Football team was being selected I enrolled myself as a goal-keeper just Because You were one,when I knew I was much better as a striker.But I missed on the trials,then I cried for hours in the bathroom,I felt I let you down.

You were my ideal Dad,the man I wanted but could Never be.In death I can see you smile,the same smile I always Wanted from you,don't think its Too late,I saw it,i can see it.But Pa when the war is over & everybody picks Up the loose threads of there lives,promise me That you will do the same.I love You baba,I always did,just could Never say it.

Ma, I am afraid of you really frightened,You are the Only person I am afraid of making Cry but i know it is you,who will cry the most.You even Cried when I got my knees scratched playing in the compound of our house.

I know You could Never understand Why I had to go & fight & kill people I don't even know,I haven't even seen,& I always said to you,this is how it is done,But the truth is I never understood it myself.

As I am Lying Down here the Thing I Miss most is not war or blood but,you,your voice,the way you called me,the way you made me eat out of your hands,if i could just sleep On your lap one Last time,If i could just see you smile One Last time.What should I say to you,what can i say to you,even i love you seems Less,some of your dreams would die with me.

Mother It is not about me dying That is consternating me the most it is about the death of little bit of you with me & i know That there are no word in this world which have the ability to soothe you.they say when you die,You go to GOD,but anyplace without you,Can it be Godly Ma? I Am sorry Ma,I am sorry.

They say brave soldiers die for the country,but the truth is nobody absolutely nobody wants to die.It is a truth I have understood here.

Last night one of my colleague showed me the picture of his three years old daughter,seeing the picture I looked into his eyes,then we cried,cried for a long time without uttering a word.

Bravery,pride are very important but who would tell this to a three year old or even my half a century old Ma.I can see that friend,lying besides me here his folded hands still has that picture.I hope this blood stained picture of a three year old when goes back would tell people the reality of war.
War,what did war gave me?My family?Anybody?No war is ever for good,no peace is ever for bad.

I am breathing but the breathing is heavier,I can see reinforcements,may be I should shout,perhaps they'll save me."Hello,I Am here...."

Friday, March 13, 2009

You never knew

You went past,brushing lightly the wind around.
I saw you till you became a dot Walking the road,till I could hear that foot tapping sound
Then the next day,you were there in the bus stop, me I was last one in that line,
trying to hide behind the crowd & see those eyes
darting past every form visible.
I was always there somewhere near you,you never knew,did you?


I was in your college too,that's actually where I first saw you.
but then I was never much noticeable was I ?
& you were every where,you were known,you were celebrated.
I was always a little nameless, bit more obscure
looking at you from the farthest bench in the class.
I was always there somewhere near you,you never knew,did you?


Once I did try confront you,but obviously could never do.
You were always too beautiful & too busy.
Then days turned into months,months in years.
I was always in your class, loving you despite my jitters.
My love never reached you,but my notes did,the name at the top of the pages were they ever viewed.
I saw you write out of my pages,but whose pages were they you never knew.


Its Been years to those memories now,life has ran its course.
But even today looking at the moon I can see your face,in pure bliss untamed joy.
That day when rain bathed you outside the college,I was there beneath the mango tree,smiling but coy.
you too then took shelter beneath that tree,few drops of water through your flowing hairs,reached me.
That was the closest to you,I could ever be,how happy seemed thee,felicity befalling me.
I stood throughout that rain with you,you never knew,did you?


Through the crumpled pages of those notes,you still look at me.
You smile,you talk,you sigh, you mock as it could never be.
Yesterday someone told you were now married & had kids of yours.
it made me smile, a smile of acknowledgment of time gone by,of untouched shores.
But still someday's when I am a little weak my mind drifts to you, perhaps there are certain things,things that would be never known by you....

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Solitude

Solitude I grope for you,
Solitude I know you'll be true.

It does not matter if I see smiles or I encounter light,
I still want to feel you somewhere inside.

For some seconds,stealing myself from the worlds display views,
I desire that you'll come through.


Life,each life is now so crowded,
The real we seems always enshrouded.

I need you solitude to look into me,
solitude I want you to let me be free.

In those pangs of pain,Days gone without rain.
Trials gone vain,when life feels insane.

I need solitude to quench my thirst,
I want my life,for that i want solitude first...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Vision To Love

" Hey, how are you?" She said, it made me fly.

I said something like " I am good.Yeah".

& she went past my desk,but I could still smell her perfume,it was all around me.Which perfume is this, I thought momentarily & then "Who cares" said with a sigh .

The aroma of that scent was still lingering somewhere but now it was a little distant. It had been a perfect day till now & listening to her now was the cherry on the cake. This was the moment, I was thinking about all my way through for the office, may be even before that.

Waking up today I had this happy feeling, happy feeling that we have when we are woken up by the tiny warm rays of sun, a happy feeling which we usually have those days , days when we are anticipating something, excited about that thing.The weather outside added to the charm, walking by I could feel the same warm rays at my face.

It made me smile, these smiles, smiles for nothing or may be of something, something inside you, a secret which only you know about & can only share with the flowing winds or the rays of the sun. These secretive smiles help you rejuvenate, the breeze too was helpful enough, putting pleasing thoughts into me.

"Hey, how are you?" I was asked, again breaking the chain of my thoughts & no it was not her this time,it was my colleague, a good friend.

" I am great, you know she came & asked me, how was I, today morning & you know yesterday when we were leaving from the office, she said to me, do eat at the right times, you don't take enough care of your self & man they say when a girl is inquiring about your eating habits, she is into you. What do you think?" I mouthed all at once.

Then after a pause realizing my self involvement said, " Although how are you?" ,

"Me, I am alright. The weather outside is not much gratifying. Its cloudy since the morning & the wind outside is too filled with sand & pollution, Leave that. I am happy for you, love-shav huh!! but I don't know what you find in her, I mean there are better girls you see. she I feel is very flabby & too short. It would have aided if she was a little fair too. But even that is not the case. Anyways if you happen to like her, well enough." He said

& then spoke again "I have to be at my cabin , you continue receiving your calls, telephone man."& laughed a little too loudly for my pleasure.

He went & left me engrossed in myself. Maybe its good that I can only feel somethings like the sunrays, the breeze,her aromaMay be things are felt better than seen . May be vision is a curse,Perhaps being blind is a boon because she never felt unbeautiful to me, how can she, she has the most beautiful voice, perhaps when they look at her & her not so good face puts them off so much that they never give enough heed to her voice. Perhaps not being able to see makes me better as a man, perhaps I am not blind enough.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Loonies-From The Diary Of The Unknown

"Why Are They Shouting?" I was asked by one of the inmates & I had no answer to that,

I just kept on gazing towards the epicenter of those nerve shattering sounds, blood thirsty yellings of people I could not see, nor I wished to see. But I was unable to understand what they wanted, that too at this hour & at a place like this.

”Why are they shouting? I cannot concentrate on my chess game.”One of them said,

it made me smile. I looked at his non-existent chess board & then at him, he was trying to concentrate really hard on something at the floor, perhaps his chess game. But the sounds outside took my gaze away towards the main door again.

I had to do something, I had to save them, I thought.

Afterall I was their custodian, their keeper. But what could I do, they knocked again shouting open or get it broken.

Now I mustered all my strength & went towards the main entry of the place & through the closed gate spoke,

”What do you want?”

There was a loud cry outside, they were intonating some religious slogan, I wanted to use the word chanting in place of intonating. But then, I wondered, can it really be holy chanting when you have arms in your hands.

Anyways they were rioters, ready to burn or tore down anything coming their way. They had already killed quite a few people; they were on this rampage for the last two days. There was an eerie silence outside now,

I asked again, ”What do you want?”.

A voice came from the other side of door, ”Open it, open the door, we will not let any man from their faith live, they kill our brothers, mothers, sisters, we will not let them live”,

As he verbalized those words the whole gathering again burst into those holy intonations, What could I possibly do now, there were a few men of that religion at our place,

Still I spoke, Actually not spoke but sang a particular hymn of my religion to let them understand that I was one of them &

then said, ”Brothers, this is just a loony bin. What would you get killing these schizophrenics here, some of them even don’t know their names, forget religion.
Some of them have already killed their relatives that is why they are here. They can be dangerous”


“Hmmm, Ok then we will leave you, but keep one thing in mind. Those mads who are not from our faith, keep them separated from the one with us.”He said,

I gathered that he was afraid, afraid of those lunatics, afraid of what madness could do. They forgot what there madness was doing, they were scared of insanity not there’s but of the men who were loonies not because they wanted because they had the liability of madness thrust upon them.
I said, yes, still tensed, clasping the doors of the gate tightly,

I could still hear them shout; those voices were at a distance now. But they still held that terror in there voice .Fear this emotion was now slowly being replaced with sadness, sadness of the knowledge that many eyes would see their last nights today.

I drew myself back to the interiors of that loony bin or lunatic asylum as they called it, had to separate a few inmates according to instructions from the rioters, the intelligent perpetrators of violence.

My first cell had two men brought up on different books, different names for GOD but one thing uniting them they were both balmy or mad. Fate had bought them together in this cell & now it was my duty to separate them, as I looked into their cell I found one of them lying on bed with closed eyes, I knew he was running with temperature but what amazed me was his cell mate, who was dancing around him.

I shouted at him, ”Don’t you see he is ill, how can you dance like this?”

he mumbled,” I am dancing because that is how he will get well, that is how he will be relieved of his ails.”
Then pointing his fingers towards a distant void he said, ”He told me this.”

There was no one. It was his OCD & voices talking. I decided to forgo the idea of separating their cabins, Once earlier when he had to be taken to hospital for his ailments they had to be separated, then he cried as he didn’t want to leave his cell-mate here & go to some other place. He only understood what he said & vice-versa & now i understood that both of them were unaware of the word religion.

So who would now tell him that you are from different religions? Who will tell them that it was not the same GOD who created both of you, they had no identity no religion among themselves. They were nuts just nuts. Though I could not understand who the nuts were. These guys inside the cell of the asylum or those who were trying to make the whole world an asylum.

Next morning when I woke up, I read in the news paper ‘Riot mob kills a dozen. ’Then Looking at those closed cells of the mental asylum I thought,” GOD! Bless the nuts,may we all be nuts”